scull the water to sail above the wave

The first look you gave me - a once over to understand why i dont fit your vision for a jewish girl-its annoying but fine i get it.Im different i dont fit the exclusive dellusional mold of “perfect girls” The second look is the one that makes me want to kill you.The pity,the double glance at my chair as if i didn't know what you were pitying me for in the first place. The first time you walk by me you shy away as if i was contagious.Fine ignorance hurts,but accepted as it  can be healed with education. The second time you walk by- you gain what you think is courage to talk to me.I roll my eyes on the inside knowing whats coming next “ Refuah Shelaima,may god heal you soon.” The first thought that goes through my head is “not again,not another person who instead of seeing a thriving person using a chair to fly in life sees a broken person that needs to be fixed. The second thought that stays in my head for a while is why am I always looked at as broken and need to be fi...

I accept me  I accept the flaws I accept the beauty within  I accept the uniqueness that is me  I accept the differences that I see  I accept the challenges  I accept the powerful feelings  I accept the limitations  I accept the beauty on the outside  I accept the power to change  I accept the power to believe I can  I accept the challenge to make me better  I accept my journey and where it will lead me  I accept my parents  I accept my parents  limitations  I accept my parents love -conditional and unconditional  I accept my parents flaws  I accept my parents talents  I accept my parents journey  I accept my role in their journey  I accept their quirks  I accept their dreams for me  I accept their religion  I accept my parents for who they are 

Sometimes the water that your rowing in just bogs you down sometimes you row through the swamp because you know there is a beautiful lagoon just over that swamp and sometimes you know from experience of rowing in that swamp day in and out that it just doesn't get better and that you have to fly over the bog to a new river with new oppurtunities yes there will be swamps in every river but sometimes you just have to have a better crew help you row through the swamps while teaching you to be better. And sometimes you need a new crew to stick it out with you through the swamps as we go through it together to reach are goals that at times look oh so far away through all the fog and look almost unreachable but if you just keep moving the fog will dissapate and you will see how close you are to reaching your seemingly unattainable goals that the stars in the sky are within reach for you to grab and every star will always shine bright but sometimes you just need to get new oars boat and cr...

People tell me im to intense. It hurts. Im me . And im working on being proud of being me . And not fitting my personality into a box for people. Im powerful and if you cant hear that then flip the flop off im awesome im gonna ride my awesome wave and if you dont want to surf with me then bounce off my aura im tired of toning me down to hide under the waves and let them wash over and drown me even when i know i can fly on that wave. ive learned that falling from the surfboard is much better than never getting on it and giving it a chance. my waves are intense strong and they can overpower you if your not ready for them but you have to learn the language of the waves to feel and connect deep within. learn from the seaweed for a sec it stays who it is but dances with the fluidity of the water so that it can grow tall and stand tall. ride the waves life sends you and let the spray flash over your face it can only help you grow . just keep riding your waves

my mind is racing i saw a really close friend today and gave him a present for him and his boys in his unit and it scared me how much feeling i had that i so deeply cared for him and his well being i cant even put it in words how much i care but why do i care why does he make me feel like i should be doing good things all the time why does that make me smile to help someone out so much why is it like pulling out one of the bricks in my fortress and letting wind and sun into the room but in an way ive never really felt in a long time well its like defrosting my feelings and letting them drip slowly but that makes it hard cuz i actually have to feel and think about what im feeling and work through the feeling instead of locking it up but thats the only way to swim through the actual reality of what we call life its like swimming through the river that youve already been dumped out of the boat cuz you lost your balance but you cant even reach the top to breath and catch the boat to get ba...

I hate rowing with square blades thats why i have to do that the most. It goes against the regular rowing technique that i have learned so its the perfect practice for balance and for my perfection problem in my head if i dont do it perfectly i will do it again and again even when i wish i could get off the water and be done but if i dont do it enough then when i get off i feel bad about myself cuz i havent given 150% of myself at every workout and beat everyone else cuz i am supposedly worse than my other competitior so im fighting for my sport and my right to compete so whatevers hard bring it!!!! I will work as hard as a possible i dont care what it takes i will do 100x more than what it takes to be number 1 thats when my head is in the game and i have my game face on and am in an enviorment condusive to me being able to succeed. But just like those square blades even when i screw up once and lose balance over the boat i cant give up and stop training i just have to train 1000 times...

i made this blog for myself thinking i was going to just write about my international paraolmpic rowing competitions and life was going to great. meanwhile i couldnt bring myself to share anything with essentially nobody but my own mind shackled my hands and never let me open my mind and let my hands write what i feel. i never even really let myself feel i always made everything i said was with "we" and "us" i never was just me i never believed in myself i still dont but now i try to own myself and at some point in time actually not hurt myself in anyway and just like i stopped and listened to my body today at some point to be able to do that and not have rediculous mental anguish afterwards so my biggest fight is actually with my mind but watch out tokyo 2020 ill be there and gonna bring home some major bling