square blades

I hate rowing with square blades thats why i have to do that the most. It goes against the regular rowing technique that i have learned so its the perfect practice for balance and for my perfection problem in my head if i dont do it perfectly i will do it again and again even when i wish i could get off the water and be done but if i dont do it enough then when i get off i feel bad about myself cuz i havent given 150% of myself at every workout and beat everyone else cuz i am supposedly worse than my other competitior so im fighting for my sport and my right to compete so whatevers hard bring it!!!! I will work as hard as a possible i dont care what it takes i will do 100x more than what it takes to be number 1 thats when my head is in the game and i have my game face on and am in an enviorment condusive to me being able to succeed. But just like those square blades even when i screw up once and lose balance over the boat i cant give up and stop training i just have to train 1000 times harder and realize the more times i mess up and do it again the more practice i have to do it right. Im very hard on myself and shabat is a time where i feel very out of my element around too many people without my options for training and keeping busy i usually end up turning to food and garbage and that in turn puts me in a very bad place or i try to sleep to keep me from messing up like not even bothering to try and keep the blades square but then i feel just as bad as i have given up before i have even given it a chance but i have to work to never give up and even when i mess up once and fall and dont finish once to not let that stop me another time but i try to finish all the time cuz the feeling of failing myself is even worse than letting anyone else down but if you just put your oar back in the water and row again then you can beat the demons of square blades and lots of other demons as well just one stroke at a time