scull the water to sail above the wave

my mind is racing i saw a really close friend today and gave him a present for him and his boys in his unit and it scared me how much feeling i had that i so deeply cared for him and his well being i cant even put it in words how much i care but why do i care why does he make me feel like i should be doing good things all the time why does that make me smile to help someone out so much why is it like pulling out one of the bricks in my fortress and letting wind and sun into the room but in an way ive never really felt in a long time well its like defrosting my feelings and letting them drip slowly but that makes it hard cuz i actually have to feel and think about what im feeling and work through the feeling instead of locking it up but thats the only way to swim through the actual reality of what we call life its like swimming through the river that youve already been dumped out of the boat cuz you lost your balance but you cant even reach the top to breath and catch the boat to get ba

I hate rowing with square blades thats why i have to do that the most. It goes against the regular rowing technique that i have learned so its the perfect practice for balance and for my perfection problem in my head if i dont do it perfectly i will do it again and again even when i wish i could get off the water and be done but if i dont do it enough then when i get off i feel bad about myself cuz i havent given 150% of myself at every workout and beat everyone else cuz i am supposedly worse than my other competitior so im fighting for my sport and my right to compete so whatevers hard bring it!!!! I will work as hard as a possible i dont care what it takes i will do 100x more than what it takes to be number 1 thats when my head is in the game and i have my game face on and am in an enviorment condusive to me being able to succeed. But just like those square blades even when i screw up once and lose balance over the boat i cant give up and stop training i just have to train 1000 times